Email Disaster
by SilverOrb
Summary: The usual emails between the HP cast that all of us just can't seem to get enough of. Really amusing. This I promise.
1. Hermione's Inbox

To: booklover11235  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Computer

Hey I finally got a computer from my dad! Actually I got it quite a while ago but dad did something wrong with it and had it sent to a repair man. One thing that is really strange BUT cool is that the lockboard (Is it the lockboard or the letterboard? I can't remember...) is not in alphabetical order. And there are those weird symbols at the top for some reason.

qwertyuiop  
asdfghjkl  
zxcvbnm

It is really difficult to type! I have to use one finger at a time so I can't type much for now!  
Bye!

-Ron

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: The computer 

No matter what Ron says about the computer, it has nothing to do with me. In fact, he was the one who spoilt it. He first blamed me for destroying the computer, then said Fred and George put some prank on it. I wonder who's next... Anyway, do you know anything about Ron's true sexuality? Dennis and Colin Creevy are betting that he has something going on with Harry. I bet against them saying Ron's straight; with 5 galleons. Can you help me? I can't spare 5 galleons!

-Ginny

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: no1quidditchking  
Subject: Connection to the outside world! 

Hey Hermione!  
I found out your email address when you were telling Ron what it was. I scribbled it down in case I had a chance to sneak on Dudley's computer. (I wouldn't go again. I tried and it's stuffed with guy/guy porn.) Anyway, The Order wanted some safe way to contact me without being intercepted, which had meant owls were out of the question. Internet was the best choice since no self respecting pureblood would even touch a muggle made object such as a computer. Besides, it's kinda cool because I can contact everyone quickly. Do you know any nice websites? Please tell me if you do.

PS: Do you know what's Ron's email? I don't have it. Only yours.  
PPS: What is this about betting on my relationship with Ron going far beyong friendship?!?! That's disgusting!

-Harry  
The-boy-who-is-so-not-gay

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: purebloodslytherinprince  
Subject: Re: Hi 

Where the hell did you get my e-mail address, Granger???

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: brewingglory  
Subject: Re: Cooking 

Potion Masters do not nescessary cook well. I speak from experience. The Sleeping Draught will take three weeks to brew. I hope this information is sufficient enough.

By the way, out of undeniable curiousity, HOW DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL???

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: no1quidditchking  
Subject: Re: Re: Connection to the outside world! 

I did not suggest porn websites. Even porn websites for straight men. I can't believe I'm saying this to you Hermione, of all people: GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!

-Harry

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Queer 

My sexuality is known to me and me alone. I am not saying that I am gay, nor am I denying.

-Ron (who is currently angry at his bushy haired friend for implying... things)

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Queer 

They WHAT???? I'll kill them! I will force Dennis to eat up his own teeth after I finish him! I will make Colin eat his camera up after I destroy it, and maybe cause some physically permanent damage to him as well. And I will send some flowers to my dear, faithful, sweet sister.

-Ron

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: purebloodslytherinprince  
Subject: Re: Re: Hi 

I don't suppose you know Voldermort's email as well, do you?

-Slytherin Prince

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Ron 

Did you tell Ron about the bet? He's threatening to cause bodily harm to the Creeveys and had been really nice to me. I guess I should thank you. Anyway, Fred and George said that Ron is having a secret love/hate relationship with Draco Malfoy. They said something that the borders between love and hate are razor thin. I'm a little traumatised here. I mean, if it's Harry, I understand. I mean - Ron was Harry's most treasured object in the fourth year? Does anything seem a teeny bit suspicious to you? But Ron and Malfoy? I'm going to have nightmares.

Scarred for life,  
Ginny

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: purebloodslytherinprince  
Subject: Re: Ron and... you? 

Get real, mudblood.

-Slytherin Prince

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: emailsearch  
Subject: Found 

Congratulations!  
Your application to find the email of the subject named 'Voldermort Tom Marvolo Riddle' has been found! He can be found at the email : thedarklordrewards  
You can also contact him at "The Ultimate Love Website" link with the nick name of Dark and Sexy. Apparently, he has a fetish for leather and whips.  
Thank you for subscribing at EmailSearch!

* * *

To : booklover11235  
From : botfanfiction botfanfiction>  
Subject : FanFiction Review Alert! 

-------------------

Do not use the reply button to respond to the reviewer.

The reviewer's identity is displayed below.

-------------------

BookLover11235,

The following review has been submitted to: Hogwarts A History: The Real Harry

From: anonymous ( )

I can't believe Harry was really that way!!! But fortunately, everything is fiction, isn't it?

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Terrifying News

Fred and George are now hinting that Ron is having some sort of secret relationship with Trevor the Toad. Please, please, tell me its not true. Malfoy is bad enough, but TREVOR? An animal? An a toad, of all animals! My brother surely has some common sense even if he doesn't have any taste! That's illegal!

Frantic,  
Ginny

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: no1quidditchking  
Subject: Ginny

Is anything wrong with Ginny? In her last email she begged me to tell Ron's true sexuality to her. Do you by any chance know what's going on?

Harry

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: no1quidditchking  
Subject: Re: Trevor

You mean Trevor. Seriously, the toad???? I can't believe Ron would do such a thing! That's outrageous!

Harry

PS: I checked. Someone is using the account harryjamespotter. Can you help me find out who?

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: harryjamespotter  
Subject: Love

Marry me. I :: censored for a PG rating::. Please have me and be my ::censored::.

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: harryjamespotter  
Subject: Re: Re: Love

Is it just me or was that a little harsh?

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: harryjamespotter  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Love

Eeps.

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: no1quidditchking  
Subject: Re: Imposter

That bloody bastard! You have to find out who he is!!!

* * *

To: booklover11235  
From: emailsearch  
Subject: Found

Congratulations!  
Your application to find the identity of the holder of the email 'harryjamespotter' has been found! He is also known as Mundungus Fletcher!  
You can also contact him at "The Bushy Haired Girl Fetish Group" link with the nick name of Mr.Granger. Apparently, he has a fetish for bushy brown hair, smartness, brown eyes.  
Thank you for subscribing at EmailSearch!

* * *


	2. Harry's Inbox

**A/N: Thanks to azure-gloom, poison blossom, Mistle, fire-sprite-14,Q-BriarXJade-Q, Tinkbelle, Lady Moofin and chineseblossom for reviewing!  
Disclaimer: I hacked into Hermione's inbox and there it was, a large neon sign saying "Harry Potter Belongs To J.K.Rowling." So now I don't own anything except the information I got from Hermione's or anyone else's inbox.  
BTW: I got a beta reader! Thanks a million to Q-BriarXJade-Q for agreeing to help me!

* * *

**

To: no1quidditchking  
From: thedarklordrewards  
Subject: Potter

I was thinking about alliance. I mean, we are similiar in a lot of ways. We are half-bloods, we are (in this case, I was) devastatingly handsome, we are undeniably powerful and we both hate the hell out of the bumblebee snogging Dumbledore. There is no good or evil, Potter. Only power and those who wish to seek it. Choose the winning side. How about it?

-The Dark Lord Rewards

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Re: Alliance

Are you kidding? Of course you reject the offer! Although you hate Dumbledore, you can find other ways for revenge! I mean, our lives are at stake here! If you take it I will die!

-Hermione

PS: If I die, I will personally make sure to haunt the exact bathroom you would be using and watch you. I will also continously flood the toilet so amusing brown little things will float into your bedroom. Good luck getting it all clean!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Re: Alliance

Hmm... Did he offer you anything worth while?

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Alliance

Of course I know You-Know-Who will kill my whole family and I. You don't get the point, do you? Let me phrase it again, did he offer you anything?

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Re: Mental Health

I am in perfectly fine condition, thank you. I have no idea why are you sending me such horrible insults.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Beware

Careful, Harry. Fred and George hacked into Ginny's account recently. It could be you next! By the way, Ginny is in a bad mood, did you do anything regrettable?

-Ron

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Re: Beware

Too bad, mate. I hope you survive this one.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: mrsharrypotter  
Subject: Marriage

I love you, oh you little piece of delicious hunky man, you! I think of you day and night! When will you announce our engagement to the world? You will always be my piece of sweet white chocolate with sticky fudge in the middle! My piece of sweet white chocolate with sticky fudge in the middle, remember, our love!

-Mrs. Potter

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: thedarklordrewards  
Subject: Re: Re: Potter

You mean you won't join me because the Mudblood will haunt you? It's perfectly easy to handle that! I have a few Ghosts banishing spells I can do! Just a little swish and flick! By the way, you simply must check out "The Ultimate Love Website". I highly recommend the user Dark and Sexy.

-The Dark Lord Rewards

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: mrsharrypotter  
Subject!

What do you mean you're gay and madly in love with Snape? It can't be! I've watched you in Hogwarts! Nor do I believe your relationship with Trevor the toad. It used to belong to one of my students. So drop it.

-Mrs. Potter

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Congrats

Looks like we both have stalkers. Send me the email and I'll check it out with you. I'll try to check mrsronweasley or something as well. Good luck cleaning up your keyboard! (BTW, I heard that vomit stains are really hard to clean... Tell me when you're done cleaning everything up)

-Hermione

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: mrsharrypotter  
Subject: Re: Re!

My identity will be known when we wed! Just call me 'darling', 'love', 'honey' or whatever nick names you can invent!

-Mrs. Potter

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Stalker

You mean this fangirl, ( or fanwoman) is asking you to call her soppingly sweet nicknames that even ants avoid? Neat! Anyway, I heard she is calling you her piece of sweet white chocolate with sticky fudge in the middle. That's completely priceless!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Death Threats

Um... no. Death threats will do nothing to faze me anymore.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: colinanddenniscreevy  
Subject: Ron

Erm... Harry, we were wondering if you had any relationship with Ron? We bet against Ginny with 5 galleons. If you're not having a relationship with him... Who is? We mean, er, you're his best friend, you should know, right? Thanks for reading this e-mail. I hope it's not taking much of your fangirl-mail time!

-Colin and Dennis Creevy

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: colinanddenniscreevy  
Subject: Re: Bet

Oh, you heard about the bet? Ron wants to do what to us? Is that even physically possible?

-Colin and Dennis Creevy

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: ginnycontrol  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Oh well, I should have known! I'll kill them! I'll force George to eat up his own teeth after I finish him! I will make Fre eat his Weasley Wheezes tricks up after I destroy it, and maybe cause some physically permanent damage to him as well. Woah. Deja vu.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Search delayed

The search for Mrsharrypotter was delayed. Sorry, Harry. I was kind of curious to find out who she was, myself. Maybe I'll go to the unofficial Harry Potter fan club to see if her name was listed there. I bet you didn't even know there was an unofficial Harry Potter fan club. You can check it out at "We Love Harry Potter" -link-. It is completely pink. A painful shade of pink. I suggest wearing sunshades to protect your eyes. Good luck!

-Hermione

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: thedarklordrewards  
Subject: Who is Dark and Sexy?

Oh.. I recommended that user for no reason in particular!

-The Dark Lord Rewards

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
FromL thedarklordrewards  
Subject: Re: No.

Don't worry, Potter. You will live to regret your decision!

-The Dark Lord Rewards

PS: Have you tasted mudblood blood before? It's perfectly delicious! You should try some sometime! I highly recommend mudbloods with know-it-all attitudes and bushy brown hair! Mundungus said they taste more delicious!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Bored

Do you mean you want porn sites?

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: cooldudeweasley  
Subject: Re: Re: Bored

See? Even Hermione knew you were suggesting porn sites!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Traumatised for life

I found out who IT was yesterday but I wanted to make sure. I received the search result e-mail recently. And here it is. Let me warn you first, you won't be very pleased. Anyhow, just wanna tell you that blood stains are even more difficult to remove than vomit stains, so get a bucket ready first.

Congratulations!  
Your application to find the identity of the holder of the email 'mrsharrypotter' has been found! She is also known as Dolores Umbridge!  
You can also contact him at "The Unofficial Harry Potter Website" link with the nick name of Potter'sluver. Apparently, she has a fetish for Harry James Potter's blood.  
Thank you for subscribing at EmailSearch!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Re: Re: Traumatised for life

Sheesh! Sor - ry! You did want to know! I told you and you can't blame me for transforming your white keyboard into red! That's entirely your fault! I mean, it was your blood!

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: albusdumbledore  
Subject: Research

I hope Miss Granger will not be doing further research about my life. I know it is quite interesting and slightly exciting but I promised Minerva not to let anyone know about to Pumpkin and The Spade accident. Have a good time during your holidays and please pass my message to Miss Granger.

-Albus Dumbledore

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Re: Incident

Oh, **that** pumpkin and spade accident. Don't tell Dumbledore I already know about it. And I won't tell you. I think Dumbledore probably already knows I found out about everything but he trusts me not to tell you. No amount of begging, bribing, threatening or forcing will force me to tell you about this particular incident.

-Hermione

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: mrsharrypotter  
Subject: Proposal

Oh, Harry... My beloved. Why haven't you contacted me in so long?

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: mrsharrypotter  
Subject: Re: Re: Proposal

Oh, damn.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Re: Re: Incident

No, I won't tell you. Whatever you do, a quick Reparo would do the job, remember. And if it doesn't, Dumbledore's Reparo will.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: brewingglory  
Subject: Re: Research on your not-so private life

Give me a reason Potter. Just give me a reason and I'll make your life more hell than Voldermort could ever manage.

* * *

To: no1quidditchking  
From: booklover11235  
Subject: Take a lookie this!

Congratulations!  
Your application to find the identity of the holder of the email 'iluvronweasley' has been found! She is also known as Luna Lovegood! Apparently, he has a fetish for Crumple Horned Snorkacks.  
Thank you for subscribing at EmailSearch!


End file.
